Social Anxiety, Shoulding, and Shoshin (a Beginner's Mind)

A concept known as shoulding contributes greatly to social anxiety, and an entirely different concept called shoshin, or beginner's mind, contributes to the fading away of social anxiety. Social anxiety involves fear and worry that we're doing everything wrong; thus, we should be acting, feeling, thinking differently so people don't judge us negatively. Social anxiety prejudges so much of our lives. Before we even interact with someone, we often assume that we're inadequate, that we should be better. Practicing a beginner's mind (shoshin) can help stop the shoulding and reduce social anxiety.

Social Anxiety Makes Us "Should" All Over Ourselves

It's no coincidence that "should" all over ourselves sounds distinctly like doing something else unpleasant all over ourselves. Albert Ellis, an early founder of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), coined the term, and he did it intentionally because "shoulding" on ourselves is the same as doing that other thing all over ourselves.

Social anxiety, no matter where it falls on the spectrum from shy to avoidant, is about feeling inadequate and fearing negative judgment because of it. Sometimes, people with social anxiety even have anxiety about their reactions to anxiety: they shouldn't show signs of anxiety and panic, they believe, because people will notice and that would be mortifying.

Social anxiety inserts lots of shoulds into people's thoughts:

• I should talk more intelligently.
• I shouldn't talk so much.
• I shouldn't give that presentation because I'll goof it up.
• I should go to the party so I don't look aloof, but I shouldn't because I'll say something stupid.
• I shouldn't have said that to him.
• I should've done x, y, or z differently.

The list of shoulds is seemingly endless, because people with social anxiety are great at shoulding all over themselves all the time, about everything.

A Beginner's Mind (Shoshin) Stops the Shoulding of Social Anxiety

There is a way to break free from the shoulds and reduce social anxiety in the process. The concept of shoshin, or beginner's mind, can be quite useful in quieting the shoulds that scream at us day and night.

Practicing shoshin for the shoulds of social anxiety is like Zen Buddhism meets CBT. First, it's important to recognize the shoulds that clutter your thoughts and increase anxiety. Catch yourself shoulding. Once you're aware that you're doing it, you can practice a beginner's mind, shoshin, to counter the shoulds.

Shoshin is the Zen concept of a beginner's mind. With shoshin, someone approaches life (another person, a situation, an event, a day, etc.) like an inexperienced beginner. A beginner has no expectations.

With shoshin, people approach themselves, others, and the world without analyzing, without expectations for how things will go (there are no fears of saying or doing something wrong), and without shoulds. A beginner has an open mind and no idea what to expect, so he/she doesn't should all over him/herself.

After an event, the beginner lets it go. Because he/she didn't have expectations going into it, he/she doesn't have expectations for going out of it. It was what it was. When someone practices shoshin, he/she sleeps at night rather than lying awake ruminating and shoulding all over him/herself.

Shoulds come naturally to people, and for people with social anxiety, they are deeply ingrained. Shoshin is only natural to human beings too young to attend school. After toddlerhood, we have to work at it. That's why it's called practicing shoshin; we have to practice. It can be very worth it. Shoshin, the beginner's mind, reduces both shoulds and social anxiety.

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