Chapter 5: Unhappily Unmanageable

I noticed that I had a lot in common with people in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) who were online. Some of what they said was my own history also. On the internet, the people I found kept telling me to get myself to real AA meetings and share my thoughts.

I tried to stay sober on the computer by talking to sober people. I could get a couple of weeks here and there (which was longer than I ever had sober before) but still, nothing permanent. I met this lady from Connecticut in Alcoholics Anonymous who had 22 years soberiety after 20-some years of drinking. I explained to her about how I was so anxious around other people and afraid to go to meetings. At this point, I basically had minor agrophobia also. She invited me up to her house so we could go to meetings together and so I could learn about AA.

I moved in with her and her husband for almost a month. I learned a lot about AA. I felt so much better physically and emotionally. I returned home feeling really good. Surely, I had the drink and drug problem licked. I felt uncomfortable going to AA meetings around my area, so I just went on with my new life. I actually had a month clean and sober. I made the decision to return to college. I was doing good.

I knew that I was doing good physically and emotionally, but I did not know that alcohol still had a spiritual and mental grip on my life. Remember, I discontinued going to AA meetings entirely when I returned home to Pennsylvania.

The deadly disease lied to me again and I believed it. I thought it would be okay to get drunk for one night. Surely, I would get away with it. Not so. I ended up on a three-month bender. Things were worse than ever. When I drank, the only thing I would think about is how I wished I was sober. I cried often. I tried to cut down to one pint of vodka per day. I found that I could do this everyday, but when that pint of liquor ran out, the depression and anxiety hit me hard. I was miserable when my daily ration was all gone.

I had just started going back to college to finish my degree and the first thing I would do in the morning was buy a pint before school. I remember being highly intoxicated in class sometimes. Surely, others could smell the liquor.

It wasn't long before the pint just wasn't enough, so I would buy beer in the evening hours. Things got even worse now. I wasn't leaving the house in the daytime much at all. I was so isolated. I layed in bed drunk for almost all of my free time. I had no sense of spirituality. My emotions were simply not there if I was dry. I was very mentally drained from the drunkenness and detoxifications. Physically, I was a zero.

At age 24, I felt like I was 94. For a long time now, it felt like alcohol had stopped working as a cure of my original reasons for drinking that I mentioned in chapter one. I only drank now to feel recovered from the awful things that booze itself had caused. It seemed there was no way in the world that I could quit. How dark it was before the dawn.

next: Chapter 6: Powerless--The Last Drink
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